. . .this crazy thing just happened to our family where we added a new member. I know I've been terrible about making this pregnancy known. It feels strange to me at times to think we just added another baby to the house. Almost like this huge thing was just incredibly normal. We are excited about our new addition. It has just taken some time to adjust the idea of having a new baby around. Nine months apparently wasn't enough.
If I've seemed quiet about this pregnancy there are some reasons why.
1.) I didn't want to turn into whining, moaning, negative, "I Hate Pregnant Life", me this time 'round.
I wanted to try so hard to just be positive and just take it with a grain of salt. After all it was my third pregnancy. I mean really I know what its all about by now. Is there anything left to complain about? Apparently there is because I spent my whole third trimester doing it.
2.) Aside from trying not to talk about it. I just flat out didn't want to talk about it.
And yet I wanted to. But I wanted to talk about it in a very real, raw, "I'm in kind of a dark place right now", sort of a way. I didn't want baby showers, or questions of excitement. This pregnancy was hard because it came at a hard time. It was hard to even think about having a baby and trying to cope with it along with everything else was sometimes unbearable. Our lives are just kind of a mess. I was trying to just get to a point where I could enjoy the kids I had. To add another child just seemed impossible to me. So many emotions were rushing through me. So many memories brought up that brought about unexplained fears. My mental strength had reached its capacity. In the end I just stopped trying to cope and I just cried all everyday. There were no words or lessons that could help me feel better. I just trudged through each day and hoped when the baby came I could be of a sound mind again. I hoped that things would make sense, and that, without the lovely pregnancy hormones, I could finally work through some of the other stresses in our lives.
Anyway. . .with that bleak and boring build up I give you:
The Story of Baby M's Birth
I never really reached a point of complete exasperation with this pregnancy. I really didn't get that big-- even though I waddled like I was. I seriously was worried that the baby would be no more than 5 pounds. And pregnancy really wasn't hard to cope with on a physical basis. Though there were days that I would crash and just feel useless. And there was also the way the baby sat that made it hard to move my legs certain ways. That made mobility difficult sometimes. For the most part though I got along pretty well. I never really got to the point where the delivery no longer scared me. You know that point? Where all of the sudden all the needles and pain suddenly don't sound bad at all. But the delivery had to come non the less.
We scheduled it for the tenth of September because Craig has Mondays and Tuesdays off and that way he could be there for everything. The tenth came so fast I could hardly believe I was waking up and 5:00 A.M. that Monday morning to have a baby.
I never really felt like I got to know the baby at all. I couldn't even think of a name, or how to set up the house. I didn't even pull out all my baby clothes even though they told me it was a boy. I just could never really settle on it being another boy. I could never really bond with the baby when I thought of it as a boy. But how could those ultra sounds be wrong? Even as they walked me back to the O.R. to give me my spinal block I was uncertain of just what exactly I was having.
The spinal was fun. Not! I don't know why I didn't get the guts to just ask if Craig could be there with me. The anesthesiologist even said he wouldn't have cared. I really should have asked because my mental capacity for patience was completely maxed out. I could hardly stand to answer all the nurses questions. Getting the IV nearly sent me into a panic attack. I was not ready for this day in the slightest. I really didn't have the strength I needed to get through it.
The spinal went in and they brought Craig back, and the operation started. I was scared and shaking. My normally smooth and easy c-section was full of anxiety and fear. I could feel a lot of pulling and tugging. I could feel them snipping things even though I felt no pain. Unfortunately that's what was normal the anesthesiologist told me. I guess the scar tissue from my other two c-sections made this one different.
Finally the baby was out. It was a boy. I just started to cry. How could it be a boy? I just didn't even know. I didn't know my own baby. The anesthesiologist gave me a drug to help me relax. He said it might help me to forget a little too, which would probably be good. He could tell this operation was incredibly stressful for me. So there I lay crying and falling asleep. They brought the baby over and I couldn't really see him through the tears. I cried for the rest of the operation. When they brought me back to my room the nurse seemed really worried about me. She asked if I knew why I was crying and I nodded yes. She asked if I wanted to tell her and I shook my head no. How could I explain?
My mom tried to console me. She told me how beautiful my new baby boy was. I didn't doubt it. I just didn't understand how I didn't even know him.
They took me downstairs where I waited. Baby S was having trouble breathing. His lungs hadn't expanded right so he had to wear a mask to help his breathing. We waited a while. I was just sleepy and wasn't good company. Craig brought me a picture. He looked just like his brothers. I'll admit, it kind of disappointed me. My parents left to take the boys to get some lunch. They then told me that Baby S was still having a bit of a hard time breathing but he was doing well enough to come into the room. They wanted me to do skin-to-skin with him to see if that would help. Truthfully I had a feeling that if they just brought him to me, and we could be together, he'd be OK.
They brought him in. I was worried about how it would feel to finally see him. But when I saw him suddenly everything was OK. He didn't look anything like his brothers-- OK he really does, but he also has his own look. He also had a lot of hair. This made me happy. I still felt like I didn't know him, but now I knew he was mine.
I spent the next 4 days trying to get to know him. Trying to get used to his name-- I kept calling him by Little M's name. The things I would have normally done during pregnancy. It was a new and strange way for me to get to know my child, but it worked.
Slowly I came out of my drugged haze. And everyday I got more mobile and capable. I started to feel better about being able to take care of my four children. Something that I had felt helpless about for the last 9 months.
The boys don't really want to have anything to do with him. But they ask questions about him, and want to make sure they know where he is all the time. They just don't want to hold him or touch him.
My mom was very sweet and made everything feel so special. She bought us this candy bar bouquet
and one day she had all the boys bring me a bouquet of purple flowers. Purple is my favorite color. It was an incredibly sweet moment.
We enjoyed visits from my cousin and her family, my aunt and uncle, my grandma and my brother and his family. Many came bearing gifts. I'm so appreciative to everyone, and I enjoyed all my visitors.
Things got much smoother towards the end of our hospital stay. I was grateful for all my parents did so I could stay there and just recover.
The first night we brought him home was a little difficult. I cried because I just still couldn't see how we were going to manage with a new baby. But things are slowly getting better. We're enjoying our new little boy. And today we enjoyed having all our boys home with us for the first time. I was getting really lonely without them. I even missed that I didn't have little gooey, messy hands to clean up after. And our dishwasher seemed to lonely and sad with no colorful sippy cups or plastic bowls to brighten it up.
I'm also happy to find that the emotions and thoughts that felt so crippling to the pregnant me, are now less daunting and easier to deal with in my non-pregnant state. I find it odd how much I miss pregnancy this time. Pregnancy should really be a much sweeter experience than it is. I'm just too completely exhausted to enjoy it when I'm actually pregnant.
I have to give Craig his dues too. He was incredible through everything. He is usually pretty good at handling me and my incredibly emotional high's and low's. With how everything felt for me I'm sure it was twice as confusing for him. He stayed by me though, and never made me feel weird or strange. I think he just wanted to know I was OK
So that's the story of Baby S's birth. I'm sorry if it was depressing or strange. I just wanted to share what it really was. It really was sweet and great in it's way.
